Genstacia: I enjoyed reading your books Financial Survival in Uncertain Times and Confronting without Offending. I know you are a Certified Public Accountant and so it is obvious that why you would write a book on money. Why did you decide to write Confronting without Offending? Did you have problems confronting people in a godly way?Deborah:
Confronting without Offending was the first book that I ever wrote. The current version is an update. I wrote it because people were always coming to me to complain about how someone had offended them. I became frustrated with all the “triangulating”-- Mary was upset with Sue but only told Joan. I thought, “Why don’t they just let the person know how they feel?” I concluded that the ability to confront must be learned. I needed to put a tool in people’s hands to let them know how to confront effectively. My favourite reference on this is Matthew 18:15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone…” This is an unequivocal command.
Genstacia: Some people use different confrontation style in different circumstances. They may well have the ‘Let find a way’ style in a professional environment but with their nearest and dearest they may have “I’ll run away” style because they are worn down with dealing with recurring issues. Could you comment on that?
Deborah: Issues become recurring when there are no consequences, no boundaries, no guidelines that say, “If this behaviour continues, I will need to do this or that…” Boundaries without consequences are just wishes. Understand that the consequences don’t have to some drastic measure like getting a divorce. It could be something as simple as saying to your spouse, “If you insist on yelling, I’ll be forced to leave the room and not continue our discussion until you get your emotions under control.” Sometimes issues are recurring because we don’t do a good job of expressing our expectations.
Genstacia: What tips would you give people that may be right, but get really emotional when confronting and inadvertently turn their right into a wrong?
Deborah: I would say to pour out your anger and other negative emotions before the Lord before you confront. Make a commitment to yourself to allow the fruit of the Spirit to prevail in your discussion; temperance, long-suffering and love. Most of all, I think it is important to ask God to give you the exact words to say. When I feel myself getting angry or emotional, I breathe deeply and say to myself, “The Holy Spirit is empowering me now.”
Genstacia: I appreciated you dealing with the different personality types in the book. If a person is a dominant ‘engineer’ personality type –who analyses everything they hear yet their mouth has a ‘captain’ personality – where they are blunt in their communication. How could they draw a balance between not been touchy about what is said to them and been gentle about what they say to others?
Deborah: Since nobody has 20-20 vision on themselves, it is a good idea to give others permission to tell them when they are being too direct, too inflexible, or too whatever. Again, I always turn to the Scriptures for guidance. I constantly confess Isaiah 50:4 over my words, “The Lord God has given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season…” God really will give people the right words to say at the right time and in the right manner – but they must be vigilant about asking him to do so. My spiritual mentor always said, “Stop, think and pray before you speak!”
Genstacia: I see that you have written a lot of books, which one of them is most special to you and why?Deborah: I love all the books as each is a divinely inspired gift from God. I probably appreciate
30 Days to Taming Your Tongue most because I didn’t set out to write it. I had messed up with my mouth—divulged a confidence thinking I was being helpful and it backfired. I was so ashamed that I put myself on a “tongue fast” after I studied every negative use of the tongue I could find in the Scriptures. This season of verbal abstinence really sensitized me to how often I allowed negativity to creep into my conversations. I changed my entire conversational style. I actually hate to hear gossip and I recoil at complaints. It’s been life changing for me and almost a half-million other people who bought the book. Talk about God turning a mess into a message!
Genstacia: Are you working on anything new that we should be looking forward to?
Deborah: I’m always working on something new!
30 Days to a Great Attitude will be out soon. In it, I set forth guidelines for conquering 30 negative attitudes that will derail personal and professional relationships. Also, I’m co-authoring a book with a pastor entitled
Why Smart People Make Dumb Choices scheduled to be released in March 2010. We are really excited about showing people how to make the best moral, relational, financial, and health decisions. I’m excited about life and I’m not allowing all the other negative economy-related events that we face in our household to mar my joy. God is in charge of my life and he is doing a good job.
Interview was done and posted by Genstacia Bull. All rights reserved 2009
